(just tell me where to go from here)

Last month I moved to downtown Charleston into a 1 bdrm carriage house with my friend Kacey. And the reality is setting in that I may be moving again in 6 weeks - I don't want to. Kacey is getting married, which I knew all along, but May 17th seemed far away a month ago. I'm tired of moving. I'm tired of not knowing what my life is going to look like from month to month. I would like to sign a year lease knowing that there is no reason for me to doubt that I will, in fact, be there for a year. I guess there is also a part of me that is scared by that thought too. Permanency becomes intimidating after having moved so much. But I feel like I need to not have a choice. I need to be locked in, unable to wonder where else I could be, what else I could be doing. It's draining.

Also, constantly in the back of my head, is that I'm 25 and still no step closer to what my heart really desires. I hesitate to even put this into words - it's so cliche. I don't want people to think I'm putting my life on hold, waiting for "it" to happen. And I guess in today's world I'm still "young," but there is a certain element of childhood expectations that will never go away. When I was a young teenager I think it was much more common to be married by now - it's amazing how quickly social norms change. And I can't necessarily say that I want to be married tomorrow. What I can say, that as a girl who is 25 and never been pursued, never been asked out on a proper date, the idea seems absurd. Absolutely absurd. It's hard to keep hoping.