(just tell me where to go from here)

Last month I moved to downtown Charleston into a 1 bdrm carriage house with my friend Kacey. And the reality is setting in that I may be moving again in 6 weeks - I don't want to. Kacey is getting married, which I knew all along, but May 17th seemed far away a month ago. I'm tired of moving. I'm tired of not knowing what my life is going to look like from month to month. I would like to sign a year lease knowing that there is no reason for me to doubt that I will, in fact, be there for a year. I guess there is also a part of me that is scared by that thought too. Permanency becomes intimidating after having moved so much. But I feel like I need to not have a choice. I need to be locked in, unable to wonder where else I could be, what else I could be doing. It's draining.

Also, constantly in the back of my head, is that I'm 25 and still no step closer to what my heart really desires. I hesitate to even put this into words - it's so cliche. I don't want people to think I'm putting my life on hold, waiting for "it" to happen. And I guess in today's world I'm still "young," but there is a certain element of childhood expectations that will never go away. When I was a young teenager I think it was much more common to be married by now - it's amazing how quickly social norms change. And I can't necessarily say that I want to be married tomorrow. What I can say, that as a girl who is 25 and never been pursued, never been asked out on a proper date, the idea seems absurd. Absolutely absurd. It's hard to keep hoping.

fear & loathing in charleston.

i'm tired of moving. i'm about to move again in just over a week, and will then again have to move in june. granted, we're not talking new cities here, but just the annoying packing-loading truck-unloading truck routine. i'm so over it. i do, however, think i will be living in downtown charleston (pending apartment application approval) for a few months - i can't wait to be able to walk places again.

i'm tired. (in more ways than one.)

cravings.

some days i get hit with this unsquelchable craving for hugs. and i'm not talking those noncommital awkward side hugs. the kind of hug where i wrap my arms around someone, anyone's, waste until my hands clasp each other at their back and i squeeze and suck my stomach in to get a little closer and hold on for several glorious seconds while it is reciprocated in like ferocity. that kind of hug. i imagine myself hugging everyone i see, even my fellow Gap employees with whom i haven't even reached hugging level. no one is safe on days like this. no one.

square.

moving always creates new challenges, new adventures. but, i'm beginning to realize that there are some constants in the changes, and they always seem to be what i dread most. it's the finding where you fit in. trying to be friends with people who have enough friends. figuring out what you have to give to people that they don't already have. i am always surprised by the level of self-consciousness newness brings...there's something very uncomfortable about it.

The Gap.

Update on life:

I live in Mt. Pleasant. I work at Gap.

The end.

I'm not really sure how to care.

I. hate. politics. I know, as a Christian, I am called to care about such things, but when it comes right down to it I don't know how to care. So-and-so said such-and-such, he believes in this, she believes in that, etc., etc. I think my general feeling on the matter is that we've divided ourselves into two extremes: democrat and republican, neither of which seem to fully support a biblical model. Granted, most of the world isn't concerned with a biblical model, but how am I, as a Christian, supposed to vote for either? "Lesser of the two evils" doesn't seem right. I know a few things are true: 1. if I really am concerned about a certain issue, i.e. social justice, abortion, the environment, then I need to show that by taking actions myself. 2. the church needs to step up. We need to be who we are designed to be: a help to the poor, a haven for the weary, a voice for the voiceless. Sometimes actions speak louder than words, and if we trully do disagree with this party or that party what are we doing to make up for the things we believe the government lacks? Are we teaching men to fish? If we believe that government-sactioned social programs are not beneficial, are we taking the trully disinfranchised (and maybe even a few moochers) and trying to teach them to fish? I'm not saying that I do believe that programs are the answer, but I am saying that there are legit poor people, and even some illiginimate poor people, that we need to be taking care of. So illegal immigrants are illegal. Does that make them less able to inherit the kingdom of God? Does that mean they don't deserve our help?

Discuss.

not-so-fresh cuisine

This morning I pulled a Lean Cuisine out of the freezer. I knew it had been there a while. I looked at the expiration date - April 30 2007. "Great! I've got another month or two before this expires!" I thought.

It wasn't until I went to put it in the microwave that I realized that it was definitely May, not March.

Oh well. I still ate it.